Feeling F.I.N.E.

Lately I've been putting up with a lot of shit and putting myself through unnecessary things as well.  Between jealousy, depression and outright anger, I've realized a lot about myself.  Firstly, I've realized that I have way too big of a heart and care about way too many people who just don't care about their own self.  Secondly, I've realized I bottle up way too much crap, even though I already pretty much wear my emotions like a vest for all to see.  Call me Sam Kinison because I'm about to yell up a storm in this blog.

I've seen people go in and out of relationships with the wrong people for years now and each time it happens, I want to say "WHY?!"  Sure, if both people were legitimately wanting to fix their problems, go for it, but there are some people who will never change, even if the problem was a snake coming frighteningly close to their balls.  For example, a guy is cheating on a woman and they split up because of it.  Why the hell would you go back to the guy?  There are a few very rare occurrences where that re-forged relationship will work out but it will usually be void of trust from both sides.  Let's not forget the assholes who are controlling assholes.  Those guys need to get shot in the dick.  With controlling usually comes physical abuse and they should not be allowed to procreate.

Seriously though, it just makes me sick.  Everyone says they want the right person but when they see the right person, they are magnetically drawn to the shitty person who knows how to say sorry (even if he doesn't mean it).  What the fuck is with that?  Hell, it's worse when they don't have the right person available because they just get sucked back into that trap simply from loneliness.  It drives me nuts.  No, I don't want to date you but that doesn't mean I don't care about you and think you should go back with that piece of shit!  Are you trying to make me get thrown in jail for protecting your stupid ass?!

And let's not forget about the drama.  When I try to have a conversation with some people, I somehow find myself saying all of the wrong things and opening up the wormhole to some dimension where drama is everywhere.  Anytime I ask "how have you been?" or "how is your day going" with some people, out comes the "it's sucked" or some similar statement to which I open my mouth and say "aw what's wrong?"  WHY?!  Why do I find myself getting sucked into this because that is when my mood is suddenly turned to shit.  From abuse to first world problems, I am getting slowly sucked down to their level when even my first world problems causes me anger.

I remember being totally okay with such little problems but once that drama comes out and sucks me down to that level, I start to lose it.  I remember being okay with the cleaning people at work but not so much anymore!  Now, every time that asshole guy with the vacuum comes by, vacuuming my cubicle while I'm working and he's there for longer than 10 or 20 seconds, I start to feel the veins on my forehead popping out from annoyance.  I sit there thinking to myself "This motherfucker forgets we're trying to hear customers on the phone while we work, doesn't he?!  Hurry the fuck up!"

Now, what I should be thinking is "thank you, kind sir for being polite with your smile and vacuuming my floor so that where I sit at work doesn't look like Swamp Thing sat here months back and left mud and dirt clods everywhere."  I don't think that way, though thanks to this little bit of anger that was planted into my brain thanks to the drama which I allow myself to get subjected to.

What do I think would help with this?  Just a little bit of happiness.  Some positive vibes for once and not the negative.  That sounds a little hippy-sounding but its truth.  Don't you ever notice how much better your day is when it is an average day and everyone is smiling and not complaining about things?  No?  That's because you surround yourself with Negative Nancy's.  Trust me, my friend, I know;  I deal with it daily.  My great mood at work is often ruined the second I get sight of some of my co-workers who are better known for complaining more-so than actually working.  A little bit of positive goes a long way.

What I would love (and this is going to sound cheesy as fuck but fuck you, I don't care) is to have that one person I wake up next to and get a "good morning" kiss, go to work with friends with whom I have epic conversations with (this part is already taken care of Tuesdays through Fridays, at least) and go home to that same person I woke up next to to sit down with and enjoy a moment together, whether that is in silence or entertainment or "extra-curricular."  I'm not picky!  I guarantee you that I wouldn't be any of the assholes I talked about at the beginning of this and I would be too damn happy to let the little bit of drama that I deal with on a daily basis to shatter my good mood so my life would be great!

But for now, I'll accept the fact that I have my friends because at least I have something.  I won't be like some people that I know that decide that the first little thing that doesn't go the way they expected, they are going to go off the grid in an emotional haze that will only make them feel worse for themselves until someone takes notice and gives them a little more attention than normal until they start feeling on top of the world again.  Fuck that shit; that's too much maintenance.  As much as I love my friends (some probably more than I should), I sure as hell don't plan on doing that shit.  That only makes them think that they will get special treatment every time they have a problem.  Here is a better idea.  If you have a problem, come to me and have a discussion and listen carefully.  I am blunt, I am honest and will give you something to think about and might even make you laugh in the process.

That's my take on it though.  There are people out there with it worse than you.  I feel like an asshole (and then get even more angry) every time I let shit get me down and can't pick myself up because I have friends who are facing death every day in the form of illnesses but they don't let things get them down so why should I?

Here is the summary: stop dating fucking assholes, stop spreading drama and stop feeling bad for yourself.

The end.